Since commencing my not- so- graceful transformation from a diva to a gravida, a few adjustments have been made to my everyday beauty routine. At first this was due to spending my usual makeup time with my head over a toilet bowl, and the rest of the night felt like a waste having my hair done, as it would all come out again soon in the shower. But eventually I consciously decided to no longer worry about the things I’d usually spend hours fussing over and focus on my main time- consumers; eating and sleeping.
Below is a rough idea of my “Before and After Pregnancy” Routine.
1. Get ma hurr did
Dreadlocks. Because the last thing I want to think about after a hard day of sore ankles, cramps, vomiting and breakdowns is what to do with the mop on my head. What, you seriously think I have two hours to spend straightening my hair these days? You must be out yo mind.
2. Double- layer weekly spraytan
To be honest, I miss my dark skin. I’ve had to stay out of the sun to keep my body temperature down, so unfortunately I’m pastier than Casper, especially in stripper- shades, but I’m not too sure spraytan would be any good for bubs. Even if the stuff I usually have on is organic. But if I’m to be totally honest with you, the main reason is because I’d feel so sorry for the poor lady spraying me. Pregnancy does weird things to your body. Aint nobody wanna see that naaasty sheit, or pay that much for a temporary skintone.
3. Get ma nails did
Oh hell no. Not only is Little Miss Vietnam super rough on the delicate fingertips, (I’d probably just cry coz I love crying these days,) but have you smelt the fumes in those places? Probably not, coz you’re too high off them to notice. But pregnancy gives you extra super powers, such as a crazy sense of smell. I don’t think I could stand the toxic stench for a minute. I wouldn’t want to put baby through that. And besides, my belly and boobs are itching like crazy, so massive claws is definitely a no these days. Oh, and being pregnant makes your nails all strong and long anyway. Tip: don’t waste money on nail strengthening products from the pharmacy; just get preggers instead.
4. Get ma face on
Applying makeup (which I’d usually spend at least an hour on for work,) is a total waste of time when theres a 92% chance I’ll either cry or spew or even both simultaneously within the duration of the next few hours in the day. I tried false eyelashes once. That was a joke. And mascara can just f**k right off. My solution? Stay in bed where no one will see my face anyway. Tip: Don’t listen to people saying “you don’t need makeup ‘coz you’re beautiful without it.” You’ve been up all night crying over Marley and Me and there’s still puke and ice cream on your nightie. They’re just being nice. Go have a shower.
5. Hair removal
You cray. Well sure, I can understand why it mattered when my naked body was being paraded around in front of strangers each night, but I don’t think my bed really cares if I don’t shave my legs as often as I usually do. No one else is seeing them anyway. And hey, who expects me to grow an entire frickin human all day long and still have the energy to get a wax. Again, I would probably just cry. It’s quite interesting really.. I feel like I’ve been a naked molerat for the past few years and suddenly I’m entering grizzly bear hibernation mode. Okay, maybe not that extreme. I’ve also heard pregnancy makes you hairier. This is probably true.
6. Killer heels and a sexy outfit
…You trippin. I think my feet have forgotten the feeling of shoes at all, let alone the nine-inch stilettos they’re used to. And I’ve traded in my wardrobe of nurse outfits and tight skimpy skirts for mumus and Thai fisherman pants. Seriously, you don’t know true comfort til you’ve had your ass all snug in a pair of these things. Or better, skip the striptease and stay naykees all day. But not if you have visitors coming round for lunch. Apparently they don’t appreciate that.
7. Diet and exercise
Brb, Googling the meanings of these foreign words.
I’m no longer being paid to look good, so I may as well use this free time to feel good. Overall, the break from playing Barbie has been quite positive, and I don’t even know how I did it, really! I think I needed this change. Oh, and the “pregnancy glow” thing? It really does exist. But I wouldn’t have been able to see it under a tonne of foundation.