I felt a little bullied by my own hormones this morning. So I decided to kick pregnancy’s ass and get my housewife on by baking a tart. (Ooh yes, my imaginary husband’s going to love this!)
“I shall not spend another morning crying in bed. I shall not spend another morning crying in bed.”
For anyone like myself who is, shall we say, “culinarily incompetent”, here is my recipe which I think you’ll find ten times easier to follow then the crap you find in most womens mags.
Firstly, you’ll need plums. If you’re a lucky kiwi you’ll have a tree full of them this season. If not, get the kids to go round to the neighbor’s and pinch some. Give them a wash and take out the pips. You’ll need about half a bowl.
Just as important as plums is my number one baking ingredient: music. If you want your tart turning out as yum as mine you’ll want to listen to Coldplay’s Mylo Xyloto Album. Perfect feel- good kitchen music.
You’ll need about 1/4 cup of sugar, more or less depending on how sweet you want it. If you’re pregnant, use the “I’m eating for two” excuse and add a bit extra.
Also about a teaspoon of cinnamon. Or if you’re like me and craving cinnamon right now, just chuck in two or three. Plus a teaspoon of lemon juice.
Dump these ingredients into a large pot on the stove over a medium heat. Add about a quarter of a cup of water. Keep mixing and checking on it.
Eventually it should (hopefully) bubble and turn out looking something like this:
And when it does, turn the heat off and let it sit there in the pot all goopy and delicious.
Next, you’re gonna want to flick on the oven to bake at 180°. While it’s heating up, grease and flour a little baking tin.
The next ingredients you’re gonna wanna grab are:
-2 cups flour
-2 tsp of baking powder
-200g of butter
-Another 1/4 cup of sugar
-And grate up a bit of orange rind
Use a food processor to mix up the sugar, egg, orange rind and butter, or take out your frustration on your pastry manually by mixing these ingredients in a bowl. Once they’ve taken a good beating, add your flour and baking powder and mix them some more. This should leave you with a doughy mixture, which you can mush in your hands for further stress relief if needed.
Squash most of the pastry dough into the bottom of the baking tin, but remember to leave enough for the top.
Tip your plum concoction from earlier through a sieve to get the juice out. The lumpy bits of plum you’re left with can go into the tin.
If you’re feeling a bit fancy, you can add other ingredients here. I’m adding a handful of raspberries and a little chopped up almonds.
Now you’re almost ready to bake. Tidy up the edges of the pastry with a butter knife and add more pastry on top.
I screwed mine up and didn’t have enough to entirely cover the tart. (If you do, poke little holes in it before baking.) What I did instead was cut my leftover pastry into strips and criss- cross it over top like so:
Then chuck it in the oven for about fifteen – twenty minutes. Don’t sit down to watch Shorty and forget about it! Keep checking on it. Once it’s done don’t forget to turn the oven off. Let it cool down a bit before you go crazy on it.
Serve with custard, ice cream, yoghurt, or whatever noms you have lying around, and the leftover plum juice. If you haven’t already drunk it, ya hungus.