Auckland Stripclub 101 – Breeds of Female

After reading my article on the male stripclub stereotypes, a friend and I were discussing the females you usually notice in stripclubs over breakfast. I couldn’t help but laugh at this scene; a thirty year old man and a younger pregnant woman sitting at a cafe in Mission Bay, discussing strippers in great detail. The old lady’s face who was sitting next to me was priceless! And if I had to pick a category for her husband, he’d be a  Sugardaddy without a doubt.

So my argument was that there are two types of females in stripclubs; strippers and wannabe strippers. And among the female punters you basically have your two broad categories; lesbian and not lesbian. But I’m sure you’d like something a little more specific, so here’s a basic list of common breeds of Auckland Stripclub inhabitants we managed to come up with:

Naughty Schoolgirl (or Colegiala). Best taco in town. If she tells you she’s only doing this to get herself through Uni, she falls straight into this category. The Naughty Schoolgirl is often found in the changing room, either trying to get a quick nap in before her stage spot, scoffing Momotea, or revising her notes for the big exam tomorrow. The typical Naughty Schoolgirl is here from South America on a student visa, studying Inglés and working cash jobs to stay undercover til she can bring her family into the country.

Queen Bee These stripclub veterans are a part of the furniture. Gravity is no longer friends with their teabag boosoms. (They were probably the pioneers of the plastic age when implants and botox first arrived on the scene.) You’ll usually only find this rare species at a select few watering holes, or “stripper retirement homes,” where they’re forced to dance after passing their expiry dates in all other clubs. Every experienced stripper knows to NEVER even think about sitting in a QB’s seat in the dressing room. That there’s a deathwish.

The Desperate Housewife She has noticed her marriage is slowly disintegrating and must act quickly in order to salvage what sexual chemistry there is left in the bedroom. Therefore, the first thing to do is accompany Mr Desperato to the local stripclub for a romantic date night and pray to the sex gods that she didn’t just spend four hours allowing her hubby to stare at hot, young naked bodies for nothing.

The Plastic Fantastic Wears a frozen “wrong hole” expression. Her painted- on eyebrows are similar to the golden arches of McDonald’s, although if you told her that she wouldn’t know what you were talking about, as she’s on a strict tic- tac and vodka diet. With that much botox she has no choice but to look this suprised all the time. There is no such thing for Plastic Fantastics as “OTT” when it comes to breast implants, makeup, tanning, glitter and big hair, so be careful not to mistake a passing Plastic Fantastic for an oompa loompa or a dragqueen selling helium balloons.

The Fangirl Faker Believes that the more lesbian she acts, the more likely it is that the dudes she came with will be attracted to her. Little does she know, when you’re tipping a stripper’s tits with a note from your mouth, guys are a little more likely to be looking at the pair of boobs in front of them than your face. She’ll keep trying for the attention of the males, (who are busy staring at the pros,) by trying to get up on stage or “accidentally” spilling her drink all over her low- cut white top. Just go home. Please.

Russian Roulette Occasionally travel in packs, speaking amongst each other in a code you can’t understand. Do not let their mesmerizing beauty fool you; these foreign babes are undercover weapons of mass destruction. Be very, VERY careful about how you handle these ones. If one has managed to single you out from the herd and you now find yourself in the unfortunate position of a RR’s prey, I have nothing but pity on your poor soul, my friend. And it saddens me to inform you that from here, you’re on your own and there’s not much else we can do to save you. My best advice is to throw all your money at her and run. And for the love of God, do whatever the woman with the terrifying accent tells you to do. She’s not joking when she says she’ll put a hit on you for not buying another round of vodka shots. Seriously.

Above are only a few examples of the different types of stripclub females you may come across. This is only to be used as a basic guide, and Miss Whiskey takes no responsibility for any bad encounters you may not be prepared for. (This includes stiletto injuries and bitch slaps.) The bottom line here is to be cautious of all females when entering a stripclub. Parental guidance is not recommended. And do not try this at home.


One thought on “Auckland Stripclub 101 – Breeds of Female

  1. Great Post. Don’t forget the Virtuous Players- “why are you doing this?” Kind of guy Or “I’d like to meet you outside this place, not in a private room” whilst hustling for private shows are needless to say a waste of time.

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