Rumpy Pumpy with a Bumpy

It’s a very personal, awkward question. One which I’ve been asked on numerous occasions in several situations which I would consider inappropriate. Note: probably not a good idea discussing these topics on a crowded bus. I’ve never really answered it directly, and I guess the reason for that partially being the weird urge I get to block my baby’s ears, as “these are not matters which should be discussed in front of the baby,” and partly because it paints highly embarrassing imagery. But I guess, as always, I’ll just hide once again behind the familiar safety of a keyboard and let you all mock me to your heart’s content. Here goes my attempt at discussing one of the trickiest, ickiest topics so far: sex while pregnant.

Okay, so by now, as you can imagine, I am as inflated as ever. And by that, I don’t only mean my belly. (Although I’d probably give Buddha a run for his money right about now.) Forget the size 6 stick you remember seeing swinging upside down on a pole. That girl you knew is long gone and has been replaced by a giant, hungry wilderbeast with thunderthighs and an ass big enough to swallow you whole. So for starters, I’m not sure there’s too many folk who would find attractiveness in a woman of my current stature, let alone feel aroused or at all tempted to commence sexual intercourse at the sight of me naked. This is definitely not to say that bigger women are not sexually attractive; anyone who knows me is aware of my weakness for curves. But when it becomes less of a matter of taste and more of an actual fear for one’s safety- we can’t forget the suffocation hazards and risks of heavy objects falling- a desire for sex is sort of out of the question. Anyone who does look at me as potential bedroom material must first weigh up the odds of survival and the number of injuries they are likely to incur, should they decide to try.

Unless your doctor or midwife has instructed you otherwise, (due to complications, etc.) Sex is totally fine and safe throughout your pregnancy. It is even recommended in some cases to enduse labor. (I’m guessing it can’t be very comfortable in there with all that jiggling going on and I’d probably want out too!) This is all well and good, but doesn’t really give me much distraction from the thought of my poor baby getting repeatedly hit in the head by a foreign object and building a deep subconscious hatred towards me for the rest of his life. I’ve been told it isn’t possible, but getting rid of this lingering thought doesn’t really seem possible either.

Hormones are Mother Nature’s early baby shower gift. They’re just about as unwanted as the ugly little handmade bonnet and booties from your “crafty friend” or the seventh duckling- print bib which is identical to the other equally as hideous ones you’ve received. But just like any totally unnecessary gift you have thrust upon you at this time, you can’t do much more than smile and say, “Oh, how cute! Thank you, it’s what I’ve always wanted!” Then try not to puke or punch anyone. Coz if you do you’re a terrible person. Seriously though, hormones suck. They not only affect your skin, mood, sleep and appetite, but also your libido.

Try getting turned on when all you want is to eat a whole pizza and cry. Most of the time it’ll get to the afternoon before I realize I haven’t had the energy to get up and shower. It’s practically impossible to feel horny and hopeless simultaneously. You can’t really convince anyone else that you’re sexy when you don’t even believe it yourself. Those stupid hormones have a very nasty way of making us feel ugly. Not cool, hormones, not cool.

At the other end of the spectrum are those days where your hormones are totally in control of you and you find you’ve suddenly taken on the persona of a raging pornstar on cockaine, eager to pop buttons, rip clothing, scratch backs and scream like a banshee. It’s totally wild and out of control and will strike at very inappropriate times, for example; at work, in the supermarket or while you’re home alone at 3:30am. Don’t ask me how this makes any sense. It just doesn’t.

It’s not only the safety risks or psychological factors which cause difficulty in the bedroom department; physically, sex can be hard. (No pun intended.) Imagine trying to do the deed with, as a friend so aptly put it, a sack of cats tied to the front of you. It doesn’t matter which crazy positions you can think up; that’s gotta be uncomfortable. It’s not just the mass of the buldge, but the fact that its contents are alive and kicking. It kind of becomes a clumsy, uncoordinated game of dodgeball between the sheets and you find you’re spending more time minding the bump than focusing on the task at hand. An internal kick or punch can be extremely distracting and off- putting for either of you.

I’m always stressing the importance of feeling sexy. During pregnancy this is just as vital! Partners- ensure your lady feels all loved up and let her know she’s as gorgeous as ever. Even if she does resemble Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars. Don’t forget to flirt! Keep the compliments coming, as she’s in a fragile state at the moment and could do with the extra confidence boost. And ladies- when you feel suddenly impelled to rip your jim jams off at some inconvenient hour while your partner is trying to get sleep before work, you go for it, Sister! Don’t feel ashamed to know what you want and go get it! Experimentation should lead you to find what works for you and your partner best in the way of positioning and getting in the mood. You’ll have your “off days”, but don’t give up! As a crazy kinkster once taught me: We must always take our pleasure very seriously.

Or, as Jabba the Hutt once said in Return of the Jedi, (for those days when you’d rather have dinner with your in- laws than even think about sex): “Your mind powers will not work on me, boy.”

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Image courtesy of Wookiepedia.

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