Human Flesh for Tea

If you’re looking for a fancy dinner to impress the new middy, or a lovely meal to spoil Mum with this Mother’s Day, you’ve come to the wrong place. If you’re a broke- ass, homesick student with little to no cooking skills needing something filling and nutritious, or just have a thing for slasher films, this one’s for you.

The reason I believe corned silver side with vegebills and cheesey sauce is an almost unbeatable meal is because it’s cheap, simple, reminds me of my Gran’s cooking and it’s one way I can manage to eat a whole lot of vegetables while pregnant without being attacked with morning sickness. And yes, it looks very creepy while it’s being cooked. Get out a massive butcher’s knife and practice your evilest cackle.

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First, chuck a hunk of corned silver side in a pot. To feed four you’ll need about 1 Kg of meat. Or do the same for two and make yum as corned beef sammies for lunch the next day. Cover with water and stick over a high heat until boiling, then reduce heat to a medium temp. For 1 Kg you’ll have to leave it cooking there for about an hour.

Grab a bunch of veges. Heaps and heaps of them. Imagine you’re cramming your monthly intake of veges into one meal. Don’t worry, they won’t bite. Now slash them up into chunks and chuck them into another pot. Sprinkle (as in totally immerse in) salt. Cover in water and boil.

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If you’re totally unfamiliar with vegetables, (shame on you,) some suggestions include punkin, (the massive heavy things with big ass seeds and orange guts,) potatoes, (what chips are made of,) kumara, (purple version of the potato,) and turnip. Wait, scratch that. No one in their right mind enjoys eating turnip. Try carrots instead. (They look like bright orange, ugly wrinkly boys bits.)

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The last slicing up you have to do is to hack at a cabbage. I’m sorry, but this is one vege which is compulsory to the meal. Chop it into slithers. While you’re at it, chop up other greens too, like spinach, (Popeye’s secret weapon,) or broccoli, (the things which look like miniature trees).

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Chuck in another pot and add 2 Tbsp sugar and more salt. Cover in water and, yep you guessed it, let it boil. Check on that meat now. See what I mean?! It’s like something out of a horror film.

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Cheesey sauce time. In another saucepan over the stove, combine two heaped Tbsp of margarine and the same amount of flour. Don’t stop mixing.

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Chuck in a handful of grated cheese.

Fact: I have been afraid of grating cheese since slicing my thumb at seven years old. Thank God for pre- grated packets.

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Also mix in a little milk at a time, continuing to mix, until mixture resembles goopy snot. Season with salt and pepper. Your veges should be done, by the way. Stab them to check. (This also ensures they are definitely dead.)

There is nothing which goes better with human, I mean corned beef, and cheesey veges, than some good old honey mustard. To make your own, combine a little mustard powder and mustard seeds with a sprinkle of tumeric, cider vinegar and white wine and some liquid honey. An easier option would be to just mix honey and mustard. Or for a downright lazy,  Whiskey- styled option, buy pre-made honey mustard. In a squeezy bottle.

Pile everything up, slash your meat like a massacre and go crazy on the sauce til your plate resembles a murder scene. Dig in.

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2 thoughts on “Human Flesh for Tea

  1. Seeing the corned beef like that, I’ve gotta say… reminds me a bit of a placenta.
    I chuck my carrots in with the beef at the end. They absorb the salt from the meat and turn out freaken awesome. Might be tonights dinner actually

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